


barefoot over broken bottles

by happy_hufflepuffle



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Coming Out Discussion, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mild Language, Panic Attacks, Relationship Discussions, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-21 16:53:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17047004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happy_hufflepuffle/pseuds/happy_hufflepuffle
Summary: It's Christmas and the discussion of where they're spending it is inevitable.Or, Dan and Phil have an argument.Excerpt:That photo shoot they did last year for the Dan and Phil and Dogs calendar, Phil was constantly saying 'I wish someone would give them a home' as he looked sideways at Dan and Dan pretended not to hear. And then the Pomeranians were a whole other emotionally charged minefield, Dan cooing 'look, Phil, they're in love' and seeing the look on Phil's face, an unspoken 'so are we' that he desperately wanted to say, but there were too many people and too many cameras and three words were too much. Later that night, Phil whispered it into Dan's skin, a litany of 'iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou', and Dan pretended again that he couldn't hear Phil, couldn't feel the hot air of his breath ghosting over his heart, pretended that he didn't notice Phil's expression when Phil said 'can we get a puppy' and Dan replied 'maybe someday', and they both knew they weren't talking about a dog anymore.





	barefoot over broken bottles

 

 

 

> "Being in love was like running barefoot along a street covered with broken bottles. It was foolhardy, and if you got through it without damage it was only by sheer luck. It was like taking off your clothes at lunchtime in a bank. It let people think they knew something about you that you didn't know about them, it gave them power over you. It made you visible, soft, penetrable; it made you ludicrous." - Margaret Atwood,  _Bodily Harm_

* * *

 

It's been building all evening, the argument. Actually, when Dan thinks about it, it's been building for a long time. A train hurtling along tracks, gathering momentum until it crashes through the apartment walls and explodes in the living room. They've been avoiding it for so long that recently it's leaked into their actions uninvited: small things, loaded comments directed at each other (' _I thought you would.' 'What are you implying?' 'Nothing. Just sounds like something you'd do.'_ _)_ ; old familiar habits becoming tiresome, frustrating, Dan's sarcastic remarks turning bitter and cutting and Phil's tendency to overthink causing conversations to spiral out of control. 

He can't remember the last time he said _I love you_. 

In autumn and winter they usually sleep curled together.

(Last night they slept as far apart as possible, the space between them a vast, impossible ocean). 

The tour has exhausted them. Dan loved every minute of it, knows Phil did too, but the aftermath is a dark crater of late night editing and falling asleep separately and all the words they don't say. Most of their days are fine, good even, but then somewhere along the way their comfortable routine will slip and they become two planets out of orbit, whirling in circles and trying not to collide. The train keeps moving. Unstoppable and inevitable.

And then tonight it derails. Dan leaves his phone on the kitchen table and goes for a walk without telling Phil, returning home to a sad frown and bitten lips. Phil, in turn, makes a sharp comment about Dan's therapy and  _unhealthy behaviours_ that has Dan's hackles rising. They eat in near silence.

The catalyst is the Christmas Discussion. It happens every year around now.  _Are you coming for Christmas this year, Dan?_ always said with pleading eyes and a tone of weak hope. Dan has never said yes. Phil refuses to give up. 

They're halfway through dinner when Phil breaks the silence. "Are you coming for Christmas this year, Dan? Mum and Dad are really keen to have you."

Dan struggles sometimes to explain to Phil how he feels. It's irrational, and after spending most of nine years together he should be able to articulate his feelings to his partner, should be able to be around Nigel and Kath (both of whom he loves) without feeling overwhelmed by their warmth, should be able to just say  _yes, Phil_ and wake up together on Christmas morning. He can hear his therapist in his head telling him  _there's no 'should', Dan. You aren't obligated-_  

He shuts her out.

"You know I can't, Phil," is what he says instead, pushing a potato across his plate. There's a beat of silence, broken by a clatter as Phil drops his cutlery loudly onto his own plate. Dan flinches at the noise.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Dan keeps staring at the potato. "You know what it means,"

"No, I don't fucking know, Dan. Dan,  _look at me,"_

He forces himself to meet Phil's gaze. "What are people going to think," Dan says quietly, "If we spend Christmas together?" His voice rises in volume. "Dan and Phil, they spent fucking  _Christmas_ together but they aren't in a _relationship."_

Phil visibly shrinks inwards. Dan's always the louder of the two when they argue and he knows how much Phil hates being yelled at. He'll feel guilty for this later but he can't seem to stop.

"What do you think, Phil? People are just going to assume I'm there as a _friend_?"

"I don't know!" Phil suddenly bursts out. "I don't really care what they assume. I love you and I want to spend Christmas together. We're partners, Dan. We're in a relationship. We have sex. We're in the process of buying a fucking house together, for god's sake! You make so many jokes in videos about your sexuality, about our relationship, but as soon as I suggest we do something like spend the  _holidays_ together or adopt a _dog,_ it's suddenly a big deal!"

Dan ignores the _I love you_. "Oh, so this is about the dog then," he says bitterly. 

(That photo shoot they did last year for the Dan and Phil and Dogs calendar, Phil was constantly saying  _I wish someone would give_ _them a home_  as he looked sideways at Dan and Dan pretended not to hear. And then the Pomeranians were a whole other emotionally charged minefield, Dan cooing  _look, Phil, they're in love_ , and seeing the look on Phil's face, an unspoken  _so are we_ that he desperately wanted to say, but there were too many people and too many cameras and three words were too much. Later that night, Phil whispered it into Dan's skin, a litany of _i_ _loveyouiloveyouiloveyou_ , and Dan pretended again that he couldn't hear Phil, couldn't feel the hot air of his breath ghosting over his heart, pretended that he didn't notice Phil's expression when Phil said  _can we get a puppy_ and Dan replied  _maybe someday_ , and they both knew they weren't talking about a dog anymore.)

"It's not about the dog and you know it."

"I can't." is all Dan says, and Phil pushes his chair back with a loud scrape and leaves the room. It's not the most mature decision, but neither of them are making logical choices tonight.

A dull ache forms beneath Dan's ribs. He's suddenly not hungry anymore. He thinks of a boxy flat in Manchester, two tall boys on a tiny balcony. Cheap wine and sharing a blanket and laughing at nothing and the alcohol turning the night sky hazy at the edges. Kissing under the stars, against the door, in the dark of the flat. A secondhand bed with creaky boards. Tripping as they undressed. More laughter. Pale skin, luminescent in the city light shining in through the windows. Blue, blue eyes shining in the half light.  _I love you._   _I love you too, you spork_ _._

Dan sits and stares at their half finished meals, gravy congealing in thick puddles. A joke flits through his head, something about Shrek and swamps, but Phil isn't here to tell it to and so it vanishes again. Instead he stands and tidies the table mechanically. Salt and pepper back on the shelf, leftover chicken into a Tupperware in the fridge, the steady stream of water washing the sticky gravy down the sink in a swirl of brown. 

The forgotten joke makes a reappearance and the dull ache mutates into sharp pain.

He turns, sliding down the sink front until he hits the floor and hugs his knees in to his chest, resting his forehead on top. The fridge beeps. He must have left it open. 

The tears come suddenly, unexpectedly, a flood of silent sobs that rush down his cheeks and soak into his jeans. _It's not about the dog and you know it. I can't._  The pain spreads to his chest. It's so hard to breathe. He pictures his heart, suspended amongst a tangle of veins, thumpingthumpingthumping in tune with the beep of the fridge.  _thumpbeep-thumpbeep._  

Phil. Phil always struggles with their arguments. It has a tendency to send him into a panic attack. Is Phil having a panic attack somewhere alone in the house? What if he's fainted again? Dan has to find him, has to apologise, has to make sure Phil's not hyperventilating or-

 _thumpbeep-thumpbeep._ He can't move.  _Phil!_ he wants to say, call like Phil did at 2 in the morning until Dan realised something was terribly wrong and raced up the stairs to find him lying pale and dizzy on the laundry floor.  _Phil, help me_. But he can't talk, can't move, and oh god can't _breathe_. thumpbeep-thumpbeep-thump-

There's no beep.  _Dan,_ a distant voice says.  _Dan are you okay Dan you need to breathe Dan look at me Dan Dan Dan._

Dan swims up through the blackness towards the voice. 

"Dan," the voice is clearer. "That's it. Can you open your eyes for me?"

Are his eyes shut? He doesn't remember closing them. 

"Deep breaths, Dan,"

He lifts his head and blinks. The room spins, blurry and bright and disorientating. 

"Dan." Phil's face is in front of his, rapidly becoming clearer. A hand touches his, and Dan realises he's clenched his fingers into fists. Pins and needles radiate out and he winces slightly as he unclenches them. Phil's face is twisted into what Dan calls his 'worry-face', bottom lip pulled in and a crease between his eyebrows. Dan reaches up to smooth the crease with his thumb.

"Phil."

Phil smiles, relief like sun breaking through clouds. "Hi."

He helps Dan to the couch and they sit and look at each other. "We need to talk about the dog," Phil says eventually. "The symbolic one, not the physical."

"Yes." Dan says, then reaches across to hold Phil's hand. 

"Why can't you?" Phil asks, interlacing his fingers with Dan's.

Dan leans his head against the wall. "Which part?"

"The coming out thing."

"As a couple?"

Phil nods. Dan tries to figure out how to put his feelings into words.

"It's something so... personal," he says. "It's like, people will assume they know things about us. I mean, they already do. There are so many theories about the first time we kissed, first time we had sex, first time we said 'I love you'. And that's okay because they're only theories. But as soon as we say we did all that, then it's not a theory anymore. And all of our actions, ever, will become part of that. This," he gestures between them with the hand that's not holding Phil's, "This is ours. Even though the whole will-they-won't-they is part of our branding, we're the only ones who know that it's real. Telling our audience that it's real... it's like... it lets them think they know something we don't know, because they knew before we said anything. Does that make sense?"

"Yes,"

Dan waits.

"I think I understand. The issue is that they kind of already know? Or at least have guessed? So coming out is sort of irrelevant but also not, and doing it wouldn't make much of a difference but, at the same time, could also cause problems?"

Dan nods. "I know it sounds confusing."

"No, it's fine," Phil says, adjusting their hands so he can draw circles on Dan's palm with his index finger. "It actually makes a lot of sense. I think I understand your issues with it a lot more now."

"Oh my god, we're such  _adults_ ," Dan says, huffing out a tired laugh.

Phil smiles back, his special smile reserved just for Dan. "I love you,"

"I love you too,"

"So what do you want to do?"

"About the coming out thing?"

"Yep."

"I think we're doing well at the moment," Dan says thoughtfully. "The videos and livestreams and instagram stories are all, I don't know, progressing? Is that the right word? We're more... authentic." He makes a face at that word, but it does have an element of truth. Their content is changing, they're becoming more open. 

"So just keep doing what we're doing?"

"Not exactly,"

Phil frowns slightly at that so Dan hurries to explain. "We can't keep doing this avoidance thing when we need to talk about shit,"

The crease vanishes. "Oh,"

"I hate falling asleep separately and arguing over the tiniest things and the best moments of our days being the time we're filming a fucking gaming video."

"Me too," Phil says, circles changing to hearts and infinity symbols. "I think we need to agree on a time to be in bed by. Self-care and all that."

"Yeah,"

"Now?"

" _Please_." 

The bed is much better than the cheap, creaky Manchester one, their flat much nicer. They don't trip so much anymore when they get undressed. They're older and they've changed in so many ways, but Phil's pale skin is still beautiful in the darkness of their bedroom and his eyes still so blue.

After, when they're lying naked, too-long limbs tangled under the covers, Dan reaches out to put a hand over Phil's chest. It's something he's always done, since the first time they fell into bed together. He always craves physical contact after, and it's heightened tonight by the argument and subsequent make up. The beat of Phil's heart is quick at first, eventually slowing to a steady pace.  _iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou_ Dan whispers into the warm skin and Phil whispers it back into the curls of his hair.

_iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou._

**Author's Note:**

> I had the idea for this at midnight and couldn't stop until I had written the whole thing out.  
> (Also, yes, I'm aware of the irony of writing about fans having theories)  
> Kudos and Comments are appreciated 
> 
>  
> 
> Come find me on tumblr :) ----- timeturnered


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